Well, my fears have been forced into being decisions. I'm not going to Chicago, what's the point of making memories if I can't share them with the one person who cares? I've been scared of going anyway, I mean, new place... New people and no comfort zone. I can hardly breath in high school because I don't have anyone around me. Pikachu isn't enough to get me through it. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for this. I may not be that bright but I can think for myself, thank you. But it was the fact that my friend didn't want me to go pushed me to the conclusion of its not worth it. Now I'm just pondering how and when to inform Jew of the news... He was probably just joking anyway, he takes jokes too far sometimes. It's too much to hope for, I can understand why Brighton wouldn't want me to go (I'd say 'jealous' but that's so teenage drama movie, so I'm not going to) I would feel extremely left out if she went without me. But I felt like I could do it because I need something like that. I was expecting her to stay and West all through high school, or at least all freshman year. She's doing well at West, she'll complain once in a while but in general she's doing very well. I obviously, am not, so I wanted something to make me feel good. Something that I could remember when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day and it would bring me back. But Brighton's right, there are a lot of terrible things that could happen. She deserves to go to Chicago more than I do, I'd take it for granted.
*Now she's mad because I chose not to go, great. Now I can't do anything to feel better about myself. So now if I go and have a bad time she can say "I told you so" but if I go and have a good time she still gets the satisfaction of saying "I told you so." Wonderful.
She's transferring on the 26th of November and according to a blog of hers it's because of me, and now I feel bad because 'I don't realize what she's giving up for me.' Then just don't do it. No one ever does anything for me, I'm used to it. If you don't want to go then don't fucking go. I do realize that she's made lots of friends and West, she says she's giving up college. There are so many things wrong with that statement.
a. she didn't want to go to college last time I checked.
b.East Hollywood is a college prep school.
c.She's not doing well in her AP classes.
Just ach. So now I feel bad about everything I do. All I ever do is ruin people's lives, force them to do things they don't want to. It's /my fault/ Frankie is Trans-gendered, it's /my fault/ Brighton's dependent on someone she's never met, it's /my fault/ my mom is so stressed all the time, and it's /my fault/ that I am who I am.
I recently found out that all my medical issues could be related to seizures. It's not deadly, and it's something that can be treated. It's called Complex Partial Seizure Disorder. I get tiny seizures that last from a few seconds to a few minutes and it can cause a variety of things.
- A sense of Deja Vu
- A sense of Jamais Vu (the feeling of a familiar place suddenly feeling strange)
- Ringing or buzzing in the ears
- Hearing other sounds that are not there
- Smelling odors that are not there
- Feeling disoriented
- Feeling larger or smaller (like in Alice and Wonderland)
- Experiencing other distortions of perception (like the room is tilting or revolving)
- Experiencing sudden dilation of pupils
- Feeling lightheaded
- Tremor in hands, feet, arms, or legs
- Feeling a spreading warmth or chilliness
- Feeling as though the stomach is rising, heaving, or being 'pulled' up in the abdomen
- Feeling prickly sensations especially in the hands or feet
- Feeling sudden emotions that may not be related to the situation
- Seeing patterns or colors
- Suffering from sudden headaches, stomachaches, or other unpleasant or unusual sensations
Luckily, I'm doing well in my classes. I am doing /much/ better with Exel and other Computer Tech things than I could have hoped for. I'm trying really hard to keep up in Intro to Film. It's hard to be assistant director when you're with a quiet director, your director of photography wants to do everything (including acting), and you've missed so much class. I made a promise to myself not to miss any more school until the movie is done, I can't make myself stay healthy all year but I can force myself to make it through the day to show all my teachers that I'm not a slacker and I really am trying. My Geography teacher says she understands that I'm trying but sometimes I'm afraid she doesn't... She's a tough teacher I wish I had her earlier in the day, I miss classes after lunch more often. It really doesn't help that I lost the assignments she asked me to do to get caught up; I'm too afraid to ask her for them again. I'm doing well in Math, luckily, I started stumbling a bit but I caught myself. We watched NUMB3RS for the pas two days, I like that show. The actor Charlie Eppes is adorable. :]
ah. I'm not crying right now, and I'm not furious, that's a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I can get all my homework done and my mom won't have to deal with my blubbering mess. But the bad thing is I know I will be when I go to bed reviewing the day and thinking about what I wrote.
I'd delete it all, but I put too much effort into it, you can't take back speech so you shouldn't be able to take back writing. I may or may not be going to Chicago, either way... I don't think I'll let anyone know.
No comments:
Post a Comment